The Marauder Life
by Spirit of Ice
Summary: James is a stalker... Sirius is traumatized by puffskeins... Peter is a drunk... And Remus keeps being turned pink... Scary Headmasters, obsessions with hair, crazy love-struck teachers, and excruciatingly embarrassing letters. What kind of life is this?
1. Twenty nine seconds?

_Chapter written by ServalSpirit_

* * *

Remus strolled casually through the barrier and onto platform nine-and-three-quarters. He shook his head at the dozens of mothers sobbing as they clutched their children, and watched as friends embraced and shouted out to each other after a long summer apart. Smiling, he pushed his trunk into the luggage compartment and ambled slowly up and down the train, looking to see if he could find Peter. James and Sirius were lost causes, of course, and wouldn't be there until exactly one quarter of a minute before the train left. They could actually be quite punctual, it seemed, since they were at the station no less than one minute before the train left every year. He was sure they did it on purpose. There was no way a person could be that late year after year. He checked his watch, and smirked.

5... 4... 3... 2...

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!!"

"MOVE IT, PEOPLE, MOVE!"

"HEY YOU! OUT OF THE WAY! _WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!!_"

James and Sirius came sprinting through the barrier at breakneck speed and tore through the crowds of tearful parents, frantically bewitching their trunks as they ran to fly behind them. They scrambled through the doors with two seconds to spare and collapsed, howling with laughter, just as the train began to move.

"How... many...seconds?" panted James, between choked giggles.

Remus frowned down at them. "Twenty nine."

Sirius looked up disbelievingly. "Is that all? We barely made it! Look, we're already out of London!"

"Yeah, we only left the house one minute ago! There is no _way_ that we got here twenty nine whole seconds ago!"

The two looked at each other with sorrowful expressions on their faces. "We didn't even break last year's record!"

"We missed it by an entire half second!"

"It's impossible!" they wailed in unison.

"This is our last year, and even with apparition, we made it with _twenty nine seconds to spare?!_"

"Oh, the horror," came a sarcastic voice from behind them. The three turned around and saw none other than Lily Evans, standing with her hands on her hips and a disapproving scowl on her face. "Are you still doing that ridiculous game to see how late you can get away with being before the train leaves?"

"Oooh, what time did you make this year?" The excitable face of Marie Andrews appeared behind Lily's shoulder.

"Marie!" shouted Lily. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

Marie ignored her friend and raised her eyebrows at the marauders, grinning. "Well?"

Sirius regarded her gravely. "We shall not tell thee, fair maiden, for it puts our good name to shame. It is a travesty of our royal pranklinesses, and such horrors should not befoul thy ears, good lady," he said somberly.

"We regret the disappointment of our greatest fans," added James, winking at Lily while managing to look serious at the same time.

"I'm not your fan!" bellowed Lily. "You're an immature little toerag! Why would you even have any fans! You're so arrogant that you think people actually enjoy your pathetic endeavors at being interesting! You- you-"

"Will you go out with me, Evans?"

Lily's hair flew out of its neat bun and she turned brick red. She seemed to be swelling with anger, and her eyes popped slightly, giving the effect that she was about to explode. "_NO!!_ I WILL NEVER, _EVER_, IN THIS THIS LIFETIME OR THE NEXT, GO OUT WITH YOU!!"

She spun around and stuck her nose in the air, prepared to storm away in a dignified silence. James smirked at his friends, then flashed her a cocky grin and said, "You know, Evans, you look kind of cute when you get all angry like that, but seriously, a simple yes or no would have done the trick."

_"ARGH!!" _ Lily's deafening scream filled the hallway and she stamped down the train, her thundering footfalls creating miniature earthquakes that had students peering out of their compartments in alarm, only to retreat when they saw Lily.

"Wonder what Potter's done now?" One of them wondered aloud.

"NOTHING!" roared Lily, whirling around to face the unsuspecting second year. "HE DOES NOT AFFECT ME! NOTHING HE SAYS BOTHERS ME, BECAUSE HE IS A COCKROACH!"

And with that, she really did turn around and storm away.


	2. I've got an idea!

_Written by ServalSpirit_

* * *

"So, guess what else happened at the Quidditch World Cup this summer?!" exclaimed James excitedly.

"I'm bored."

"What?" asked Remus dully. He was quite as bored as Sirius- James _had_ been talking about Quidditch for two solid hours- he just wasn't as vocal about it.

"-and then Smith did this thing where he jumped off his broom-"

"I'm bored!" whined Sirius.

"-but then he managed to score twice in a row!"

"Really?" said Remus, disinterestedly.

"Yeah, and then-"

"Can we please do something?" moaned Sirius.

"And _then_ Williams passed to Wright, and Clark managed to catch it! Right under their noses! It was amazing how he did it, really, he twisted in midair and-"

"What are you drinking, Pete?" asked Remus, trying to block James out.

"I'm really, _really_ bored!"

Make that Sirius as well.

"Oh, just alco-butter."

Remus gaped. "I'm sorry, _what_ did you just say?"

"Alco-butter," repeated Peter, taking another swig from his bottle. He talked slowly, as though to someone very dim. "You know, alcoholic butterbeer?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Oh. Um, never heard of it."

"Well, duh, I made it up."

"Oh. One of your newest inventions, then?"

"Yup. It's pretty good, too." He slurped loudly, and then suddenly slid to the floor in a dead faint, the empty bottle rolling under the seats.

Remus sighed. They all knew that Peter had developed an unhealthy alcoholic addiction last year, and he had become a serious drunk. It was quite unfortunate, but they had been unable to break him of the habit.

They all listened for a while as James droned on and on, until suddenly Sirius leapt up from his seat.

"I've got an idea!" he screeched, trying (unsuccessfully) to cut through James's monologue.

"Call the press!" exclaimed Remus sarcastically.

"Ha ha. How _very_ witty."

"I know!" said Remus.

"But _seriously_, I've got a great idea!"

"What is it?" said Remus, quite as bored as before. Sirius's "great ideas" didn't usually amount to much.

"We can go visit the girls!"

"What?!" James was jerked momentarily from his speech. "Did you just say... That's a great idea! Let's go!"

Remus sighed as he was dragged out of the compartment. This probably would not end well.

oOoOoOo

"What are you doing here?!" shrieked Lily. The three marauders (Peter was still passed out on the floor) stood in the doorway.

"We've come for a visit, of course," said Sirius, grinning.

"Cool," said Marie. "What do you guys want to do?"

"Um... we could talk?" suggested Sirius lamely.

"Or snog," said James, looking at Lily with an idiotically hopeful expression on his face.

"Please, Potter, you make me sick."

"Fine, fine," said James. "What else could we do, then?"

"I've got it!" yelled Sirius, raising his fist heroically. "We can play..." he paused dramatically. "Truth or dare!"

His excited announcement brought mixed reactions. Marie and James stared at him blankly, but Lily and Remus leapt up in horror and screamed in unison, "NO!! We are _not_ playing truth or dare!!" They looked at each other bemusedly.

"Oh, come on," whined Sirius. "It'll be fun!"

"Sorry," said James. "But what _is_ truth or dare?"

"It's a retarded muggle game," explained Lily. "We all have to sit in a circle and ask each other 'truth or dare'. Then, if the person says truth, we ask them a question and they are obligated to answer truthfully. If they say dare, we get to dare them to do something and they have to do it."

"That sounds kind of pointless," said Marie.

"Exactly!" said Lily. "Thank you, Marie! So, what else could we do?"

"Wait a moment," said James slowly. "I think we could have a lot of fun with this game."

"No," said Lily flatly. "I will not kiss you, Potter."

"Fine!" said James, annoyed. "But we should still play!"

"Yeah!" said Sirius. "Please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"Sirius..." warned Lily, brandishing her wand.

"-please, please, please, please, please-"

"Don't make me hex you," said Remus threateningly.

"please, please, please, please-"

"Oh, all right!" screamed Lily and Remus together.

"Why do we keep doing that?" asked Remus, smiling slightly with a puzzled expression on his face.

"No idea," said Lily. "Though it might be because we're around such imbeciles..."

"All right, then," said Marie loudly, clapping her hands. "Let's get in a circle, people, and play the trip away!"

"But," said Remus pathetically. "I thought you didn't want to play!"

"I didn't," she said. "But we're not going to play normally. We're going to play Truth or Dare a la Wizard!"

"Oh, great," groaned Remus.


	3. Snivvy Snape's Underwear

_Written by ServalSpirit_

* * *

"Ok, spells are in place. Remember, everyone, if you don't do a dare, you grow antlers-"

James guffawed, and the other marauders grinned.

"I don't know what is so funny about that, but since you refuse to explain properly, I will ignore the mongoloid laughter," continued Lily, sounding dignified. "So, cheat on a dare, and you grow antlers, lie on a truth and you grow a three foot long nose."

"And they don't go away for three days," added Sirius, grinning in anticipation.

"We have one chance to chicken out of either a question or a dare, more than once and you're out of the game," said Marie.

"Let's play," said Sirius, rubbing his hands together.

"Who goes first?" asked Remus.

"Oh, me, me! Pick me!" said Sirius, jumping up and down, waving his hand in the air.

"Fine, proceed."

"Hee hee hee," said Sirius. "Marie! Truth... or dare? If you dare?"

Marie gulped. "Dare."

"I dare you to run into Snivellus's compartment, dig frantically through his trunk until you find his underwear, then run away up the train, waving them above your head and screaming at the top of your lungs." He said this all very fast.

"WHAT?! You pervert! How could you make me touch his underwear?!"

"Here," said Sirius. "Take some gloves." He handed her a pair of freshly transfigured gloves.

"Eww... I can not believe I'm doing this." She took the gloves and left the compartment.

"Come on, guys, let's go watch."

The three marauders and Lily stepped out into the hallway, waiting for Marie to appear. At that moment, Peter stuck his head out of their other compartment down the train, and spotted them. "Hey, guys!" he yelled, walking towards them. "Whatcha doin'?" His voice was still slightly slurred.

"Argh! Out of the way!" Marie came sprinting out of the compartment behind Peter, waving a pair of grayish underwear above her head. "Snivvy Snapes underwear coming through!" she screamed. "Move unless you want to be blasted by the smell!"

Peter looked back and began running, followed closely by Marie, still screaming at the top of her lungs. Peter looked back again and ran faster, seeing that she was still following. Snape came barreling out of his compartment, looking livid and bright red in the face.

"Give those back!" he yelled.

"Why?" taunted Marie, still running, Peter running frantically in front of her. "Only spare pair you've got?"

"Now, Andrews!" roared Snape, trying to catch up with her.

Peter stopped to catch his breath, saw that Marie had almost caught up with him, and took off like a scalded cat, zigzagging his way through the students that were starting to appear. "Help!" screamed Peter. "Save me! She's a madwoman! She's going to kill me! Heeeelp- aaah!" He tripped and fell at the marauders feet. "HELP!" he shrieked, looking back and seeing Marie racing towards them. "She's going to get me! HEEELP!"

"Shut up, Peter," said Sirius.

Peter looked up pathetically. "But she'll kill me."

They ignored him.

"What do I do with them?!" panted Marie, skidding to a halt in front of them. Sirius swiftly pulled out his wand and levitated the underwear up to the ceiling. He muttered something and they stuck there, waving slightly.

"Permanent sticking charm," he explained. "Come on!" They ran into their compartment and slammed the door, locking it just as Snape reached them.

"POTTER!" he bellowed. "BLACK! LUPIN! _ANDREWS!_ You'll be sorry!"


	4. Pffsks

_Written by ServalSpirit_

* * *

They all collapsed, shaking with laughter. Even Peter was laughing, just for the sake of doing whatever everyone else was doing.

After a few minutes, James cast a spell to make the door transparent, and they saw Snape jumping up, trying to reach his underwear.

"I think it really is his only spare pair," said Marie, shaking her head. "They're the only ones I found in his trunk."

"That's gross," said James, after a pause.

"I agree," said Sirius. "Quite disburbing. So, who's next?"

"Me," said Marie. "Um, Remus, truth or dare?"

"Truth," he said. "I don't have the slightest desire to touch Snape's underwear."

"Fine," said Marie, sulking. "How about... have you ever been in the Shrieking Shack?"

"No," said Remus quickly. He turned pink.

"Woah! Mate! You're pink!"

"What? Why?!"

"Because you lied, duh!" said Sirius.

"But it was just supposed to make my nose grow!"

James and Sirius were laughing their heads off, but Lily was frowning. She got out her book of joke jinxes and checked the page.

"It says that every single human they have tested it on grew a long nose," she said, obviously confused.

James nodded, while Remus looked slightly depressed. "What else have they tested it on, then?" asked James, tugging the book out of her hands. "Hmm, frogs, cats, a giraffe, mice, dragons, and..." he glanced up briefly, "wolves."

There was a moment of silence, then Remus said, "How long do you think this will take to wear off, then?"

"About a day, I'd guess," said James.

"Enough depression!" said Sirius. "Remus, it's your turn!"

"Oh, okay. Um, Lily, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay, who in this compartment do find most attractive?"

Lily reddened. In fact, she seemed to be swelling, trying to keep her answer in, growing redder and redder...

"Potter," she choked out at last.

A grin full of wonder spread across James's face. "Really, Lilykins? I knew you cared!" He stood up, his arms spread wide, but Lily held out her hand palm forward.

"Stop right there, Potter," she warned. "I only said you were the most attractive in this compartment."

"Yeah, but we're the best looking guys in the school, right Sirius? Sirius?" James looked around at his friend and saw him sitting stiffly with his jaw clenched. "Er, Padfoot? Something the matter?"

Sirius's jaw worked furiously. "How dare you!" he burst out suddenly, staring wide-eyed at Lily. "Everyone, _everyone_, in this school knows that I'm the hottest guy! Seriously, how could you pick _him_, with his skinny arms, and his weird glasses, and as you put it last year, his "arrogant expression of idiocy", and... and... I mean, it's not like I'm jealous or anything, but, _seriously_-"

Marie got up and placed her hand on his arm. "It's okay, Siri, we still think you're handsome. You're still the number one school hottie, don't worry."

He brightened. "Really?"

"Yes, Sirius."

"So... so Prongs isn't going to steal my girls?"

"No."

"Alright, then, Lily, it's your turn!" he said cheerfully in a sing-song voice.

Lily was staring at him in disbelief. _And I thought Potter was arrogant_, she thought. _This guy needs some serious ego-desizing_... Knowing that he would pick dare, she said, "Sirius. Truth or dare?"

As though reading her mind, Sirius smirked and said smugly, "Truth."

Lily made a face, and tried to think of something potentially embarrassing. Finally, a smirk similar to Sirius's spread across her face. "Excellent," she said. "Sirius, what is your worst fear?"

Sirius cowered. "Can I have another question?" he asked pitifully.

"No," she said gleefully. It had to be really embarrassing for him to be squirming like that. Potter was smirking as well, she noticed. Excellent.

There was a very, very long pause.

"Pffss," muttered Sirius.

"What? Sorry, didn't catch that," said Lily.

"Pffsks."

"Speak up, mate, we can't hear you!" sang James.

Sirius glared at him. "Puff... puff... puffskeins," he finally whispered.

Marie burst out laughing. "Did... did you just," she gasped, tears streaming down her face. "Did you just say _puffskeins_?"

Sirius crossed his arms, sulking. "It's not funny, you know."

Marie snickered. "Yes it is," she said. "The great Sirius Black's worst fear is... _puffskeins_!" She fell off her seat laughing.

"Do you see anyone else laughing?" insisted Sirius. He ignored the fact that they were. "It's not funny! It's... it's sad! I was just a poor, innocent, little boy-"

Marie laughed harder and Sirius glared at her. "_Innocent!_" she choked out.

"Yes, innocent!" shouted Sirius. "I was just a poor little boy, sleeping soundly in bed, minding my own business, when I woke up and felt a long _tongue_ in my _nose_! I opened my eyes, and what do I find, but that I can't see for a huge lump of fur covering my face! And then, and then I started hearing slurping noises, and the puffskein's tongue started moving, and, and... It's not funny!"

Marie kept giggling.

"Fine then. Be that way, and see if I tell you any more details of my private life."

When Marie didn't start apologizing profusely on bended knee, he scowled and said, "Marie, I dare you to-"

"Wait a moment here, mister," she interrupted. "I'm not having any more of your dares. Truth!"

"Fine!" said Sirius, sticking his tongue out childishly. "Um... um... I can't think of anything to ask her!" he cried, looking around at James and Sirius.

"I can," snarled Snape, suddenly flinging open the door. "Why don't you ask her what else she stole from me?"


End file.
